B'ha'alot'kha 5783 - Complaining for the Sake of Complaining
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June 10, 2023 - 21 Sivan, 5783
At Swarthmore College, the students often played what we called “Misery Poker.” It sounded something like this:
“I stayed up all night studying for a test today.”
“I stayed up the past two nights writing a paper.”
“I’ve been working all week on a project, while battling the flu!”
…and so on. Not realizing we were playing the game, we would up the ante on misery, showing who could grumble the loudest and most pathetically. The irony, of course, was that we signed up for this and were paying tens of thousands of dollars a year to suffer. We chose our own classes and had full ability to reshape our schedules. By playing Misery Poker, at the end of the day, we were mastering the art of complaining for the sake of complaining.
While the first triennial reading of our parshah displays ritual devotion to God, beyond that first triennial, the parshah begins to unravel when the Israelites start complaining once more:
וַיְהִ֤י הָעָם֙ כְּמִתְאֹ֣נְנִ֔ים רַ֖ע בְּאׇזְנֵ֣י ה׳
“And it was that the people were like complainers of badness in the ears of Adonai” (Numbers 11:1). Commentators have a field day with the “like” in “like complainers of badness,” and Seforno’s commentary is one of the most realistic. They weren’t complaining about anything real, Seforno teaches; rather, they were complaining to test God and Moshe. In other words, they were complaining for the sake of complaining.
While I’m sure no one here ever complains just for the sake of complaining, other people in the world may sometimes complain just to get their voice into the conversation. They may complain because they’re bored or in a bad mood. And they may complain about something entirely valid, but something they themselves could work towards fixing. Complaining is certainly important to bring attention to situations that need improvement, and yet, complaining can bring attention away from the good. Complaining can offend those who worked hard to make things the way they are. And complaining can distract the speaker herself from gratitude towards the world around her.
The next time you open your mouth to complain, take a moment to reflect on the words you are about to say. Are you complaining about something you could fix yourself? If so, you may choose to change your words to a request for help with the fixing. Are you complaining in a way that could hurt the feelings and efforts of others in the room? If so, you may reframe those words in a way that communicates your respect for those individuals. And are you complaining about something inconsequential or about something no one has the power to change? If so, you may want to rethink the need for expressing that opinion at all. Instead, substitute your complaint with an area of gratitude. Your complaint may even come from a general feeling of sadness or anger, and if that is the case, either express what is truly bothering you or find a physical, concrete way to seek comfort.
Complaining certainly has its place; it lets others know the difference between right and wrong. It lets those in power know change is necessary. Sometimes, it promotes bonding between those experiencing hardship. Throughout the wilderness, God did not strike anyone down simply because of complaint. Rather, the problem in the wilderness of Sinai and today, comes when so much complaining happens that it blinds us from the real motivations behind the complaint. Today, we have the ability to consciously choose our words, to leave complaining for when it is truly necessary, and to do that complaining in a way that is compassionate and productive.
When I think back to college, I wonder how the tone of the room would have shifted if we had responded to one another not with our heightened complaints, but rather, with acknowledgement of the struggle we were each feeling. I wonder how many more relationships would have been built if we had paused in between each ante and gave each other the resources to work through our challenges. When we consciously complain or refrain from complaining, we have the opportunity to choose whether we are k’mit’on’nim, sort-of-kind-of complainers, or expressing our opinions with real intention towards change.
Mon, October 2 2023
17 Tishrei 5784
Rabbi's Sermons
Genesis
- Parshat Bereshit: Oct. 26, 2019, October 1, 2021, October 2, 2021
- Parshat Noah: Nov. 2, 2019, October 8, 2021, Oct. 29, 2022
- Parshat Lekh-L'kha: Nov. 9, 2019, Oct. 31, 2020, Oct. 31, 2020 - Part 2, Oct. 15, 2021
- Parshat Vayeira: Nov. 16, 2019, Nov. 7, 2020, Nov. 7, 2020 - Part 2, Oct. 22, 2021, Oct. 23, 2021
- Parshat Hayei Sara: Nov. 14, 2020, Oct. 30, 2021
- Parshat Toldot: Nov. 30, 2019, Nov. 21, 2020, Nov. 6, 2021
- Parshat Vayeitzei: Nov. 28, 2020, Nov. 13, 2021
- Parshat Vayishlah: Dec. 14, 2019 , Dec. 5, 2020, November 20, 2021
- Parshat Vayeisheiv: Dec. 12, 2020, Nov. 27, 2021
- Parshat Miketz: Dec. 4, 2021
- Parshat Vayigash: Jan. 4, 2020, Dec. 26, 2020, Dec. 11, 2021
- Parshat Vay'hi: Jan. 11, 2020, Jan. 2, 2021
Exodus
- Parshat Sh'mot: Jan. 18, 2020, Jan. 18, 2020 - Part 2, Jan. 9, 2021
- Parshat Va'eira: Jan. 25, 2021
- Parshat Bo: Feb. 1, 2020, Jan. 23, 2021
- Parshat B'shalah: Jan. 30, 2021, Jan. 15, 2022, Feb. 3, 2023, Feb.4, 2023
- Parshat Yitro: Feb. 15, 2020, Feb. 6, 2021, Feb. 6, 2021, Feb. 21, 2022, Feb. 22, 2022
- Parshat Mishpatim: Feb. 22, 2020, Feb. 18, 2023
- Parshat T'rumah: Feb. 29, 2020, Feb. 29, 2020 - Part 2, Feb. 20, 2021, Feb. 4, 2022, Feb. 5, 2022, Feb. 25, 2023
- Parshat T'tzaveh: March 7, 2020, Feb. 27, 2021, Feb. 12, 2022, Feb. 11, 2022
- Parshat Ki Tisa: March 14, 2020, March 6, 2021, February 19, 2022
- Parshot Vayak'heil-P'kudei: March 21, 2020, March 13, 2021, February 26, 2022, March 18, 2023
Leviticus
- Parshat Vayikra: March 20, 2021, March 11, 2022, March 24, 2023, March 25, 2023
- Parshat Tzav: April 4, 2020, March 27, 2021, March 19, 2022
- Parshat Sh'mini: April 18, 2020
- Parshot Tazria-Metzora: April 25, 2020, April 17, 2021, April 2, 2022
- Parshot Achrei Mot-Kedoshim: May 2, 2020, April 24, 2021, May 7, 2022
- Emor: May 9, 2020, May 1, 2021, May 13, 2022, May 14, 2022, May 6, 2023
- Parshot B'har-B'hukotai: May 8, 2019, May 16, 2020, May 7, 2021, May 21, 2022, May 28, 2022
Numbers
- Parshat Bamidbar: May 15, 2021, May 20, 2023
- Parshat Nasso: June 6, 2020, June 6, 2020 - Part 2, May 22, 2021, June 10, 2022, June 2, 2023
- Parshat B'ha'alotcha: June 13, 2020, June 13, 2020 - Part 2, June 9, 2023, June 10, 2023
- Parshat Sh'lach: June 20, 2020, June 20, 2020 - Part 2, June 5, 2021
- Parshat Korah: June 27, 2020, July 18, 2020, July 24, 2023
- Parshot Chukat-Balak: June 26, 2021
- Parshat Pinchas: July 11, 2020, July 11, 2020 - Part 2, July 2, 2021, July 3, 2021, July 22, 2022, July 23, 2022
- Parshot Matot-Masei: July 18, 2020, July 18, 2020 - Part 2, July 10, 2021, July 30, 2022
Deuteronomy
- Parshat D'varim: July 25, 2020, July 25, 2020 - Part 2, July 17, 2021, August 6, 2022
- Parshat Va'et'hanan: Aug. 1, 2020, July 24, 2021, August 12, 2022, August 13, 2022,
- Parshat Eikev: Aug. 8, 2020, July 31, 2021, August 19, 2022, August 20, 2022
- Parshat Re'eh: August 7, 2021
- Parshat Shoftim: September 7, 2019, Aug. 22, 2020, August 14, 2021, August 14, 2021 - Part 2, September 3, 2022
- Parshat Ki Teitzei: Aug. 29, 2020, August 20, 2021
- Parshat Ki Tavo: Sept. 5, 2020, Sept. 5, 2020 - Part 2, August 28, 2021, September 17, 2022
- Parshot Nitzavim-Vayeilech: Sept. 11, 2021, September 24, 2022
- Parshat Ha'Azinu: Sept. 26, 2020
- Parshat Haberakhah
Rosh HaShanah: Sept. 19, 2020, Sept. 19, 2020 - Part 2, Sept. 19, 2020 - Part 3, Sept. 20, 2020, Sept. 7, 2021, Sept. 8, 2021, Sept. 9, 2021, Sept. 26, 2022
Yom Kippur: Sept. 28, 2020, Sept. 16, 2021, October 5, 2022
Sukkot: Oct. 3, 2020 , Sept. 20, 2021
Passover: April 3, 2021, April 23, 2022, April 7, 2023, April 12, 2023
Rosh Hodesh: April 22, 2023
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