Noah 5783 - The Power of Regret
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October 29, 2023 - 4 Heshvan, 5783
Brene Brown writes in her book Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience:
While some people disagree with me, I firmly believe that regret is one of our most powerful emotional reminders that reflection, change, and growth are necessary. In our research, regret emerged as a function of empathy. And, when used constructively, it’s a call to courage and a path toward wisdom.
The idea that regret is a fair but tough teacher can really piss people off. “No regrets” has become synonymous with daring and adventure, but I disagree. The idea of “no regrets” doesn’t mean living with courage, it means living without reflection. To live without regret is to believe we have nothing to learn, no amends to make, and no opportunity to be braver with our lives.
At the end of last week’s Torah portion, God looks at God’s creation with regret and sadness:
וינחם ה׳ כי עשה את האדם בארץ ויתעצב אל לבו
And Adonai regretted that God had made the human being on the earth, and God was saddened to God’s heart and mind (Genesis 6:6).
Even God practices regret; even God makes decisions based on that gut-wrenching feeling that God has done something wrong. Because of God’s regret, God enacts the great flood, destroying all but the number of humans and animals necessary to repopulate the world. After the flood, God establishes a new, two-way covenantal system, reshaping the role of human beings within their social natural worlds. As beings made b’tzelem Elohim, in the image of God, we, too, have the responsibility to open ourselves to empathetic regret, to recognize and act on that knowledge that we have missed the mark.
For Brene Brown, regret is defined as “when an outcome was not what we wanted, counted on, or thought would happen” and “we believe the outcome was caused by our decisions and actions.” Regret involves both disappointment and ownership. Each time we feel regret, we must look at those emotions and ask two questions - Am I truly disappointed? And - is this outcome my own doing? What we feel as disappointment may be a guise for fear, surprise, or even misguided excitement. Often, we blame ourselves for situations or outcomes that are out of our control. And yet, when an outcome truly hurts us and others, and when we could have done something to change that outcome, the power of regret comes into play.
When we regret, our physical body asks us to focus on what is frustrating or negative about the outcome we see. Whom does this outcome affect - just me or others in my presence, too? What outcome would have been more beneficial for all those affected? So, too, when we regret, our body asks us to consider what we could have done to achieve a more positive outcome. By focusing on our decisions, actions, and their outcomes, we can move on to integrating our new knowledge into future thoughts, words, and deeds.
When I regret sharing information I had no right to share, and the person whose information I shared becomes angry with me, I learn better to pause before I speak in the future. I pause because I know that the outcome I desire is a more trusting relationship with those I love and respect.
Beyond using regret towards learning what to do in the future, regret empowers us to look for new ways to improve the present situation. Just as God changes God’s present situation by enacting the flood, we can change policies at work, apologize to those we have hurt, or ask for help to fix or abate outcomes that have already come to pass. By embracing our regret, we not only acknowledge our imperfection; we acknowledge our ability to move forward, even with that imperfection.
As the land dries out, God establishes a rainbow in the sky as a visual reminder to us and to Godself that God will never again destroy the world. At the same time, the rainbow reminds God and us that we now hold greater responsibility for our own well-being; as much as God can guide us with God’s wisdom, God will not protect us from our own moral failings. For the medieval commentator Ramban, the downwards shape of the bow represents God setting God’s bow in a position unable to shoot, like a warrior laying his weapon down and declaring peace. Perhaps God not only learns from God’s regret for creating humankind in the particular world structure that God does, but also, regret for having nearly destroyed all living beings afterwards. Just as God looks at the rainbow as a sign to Godself, we too, can look at the rainbow as a sign of the power of empathetic regret. When we see a rainbow, we see a sign for hope in ourselves, hope that we can increasingly learn from our actions and their outcomes, even when our attempts at changing ourselves and our outcomes does not work out the first time. When we see a rainbow, we see a visual sign to remind ourselves of responsibility for the consequences of our decisions and for what comes after each and every one of those consequences.
Thu, December 5 2024
4 Kislev 5785
Rabbi's Sermons
Bereshit - Genesis
- Parshat Bereshit: Oct. 26, 2019, October 1, 2021, October 2, 2021, October 25, 2024
- Parshat Noah: Nov. 2, 2019, October 8, 2021, Oct. 29, 2022, Nov. 1, 2024
- Parshat Lekh-L'kha: Nov. 9, 2019, Oct. 31, 2020, Oct. 31, 2020 - Part 2, Oct. 15, 2021, Nov. 8, 2024
- Parshat Vayeira: Nov. 16, 2019, Nov. 7, 2020, Nov. 7, 2020 - Part 2, Oct. 22, 2021, Oct. 23, 2021, Nov.15, 2024
- Parshat Hayei Sara: Nov. 14, 2020, Oct. 30, 2021, Nov. 22, 2024
- Parshat Toldot: Nov. 30, 2019, Nov. 21, 2020, Nov. 6, 2021
- Parshat Vayeitzei: Nov. 28, 2020, Nov. 13, 2021
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Shemot-Exodus
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- Parshat Bo: Feb. 1, 2020, Jan. 23, 2021
- Parshat B'shalah: Jan. 30, 2021, Jan. 15, 2022, Feb. 3, 2023, Feb.4, 2023
- Parshat Yitro: Feb. 15, 2020, Feb. 6, 2021, Feb. 6, 2021, Feb. 21, 2022, Feb. 22, 2022
- Parshat Mishpatim: Feb. 22, 2020, Feb. 18, 2023
- Parshat T'rumah: Feb. 29, 2020, Feb. 29, 2020 - Part 2, Feb. 20, 2021, Feb. 4, 2022, Feb. 5, 2022, Feb. 25, 2023
- Parshat T'tzaveh: March 7, 2020, Feb. 27, 2021, Feb. 12, 2022, Feb. 11, 2022
- Parshat Ki Tisa: March 14, 2020, March 6, 2021, February 19, 2022
- Parshot Vayak'heil-P'kudei: March 21, 2020, March 13, 2021, February 26, 2022, March 18, 2023
Vayikra-Leviticus
- Parshat Vayikra: March 20, 2021, March 11, 2022, March 24, 2023, March 25, 2023
- Parshat Tzav: April 4, 2020, March 27, 2021, March 19, 2022
- Parshat Sh'mini: April 18, 2020
- Parshot Tazria-Metzora: April 25, 2020, April 17, 2021, April 2, 2022, April 20, 2024
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Bamidbar-Numbers
- Parshat Bamidbar: May 15, 2021, May 20, 2023, June 7, 2024
- Parshat Nasso: June 6, 2020, June 6, 2020 - Part 2, May 22, 2021, June 10, 2022, June 2, 2023, June 14, 2024
- Parshat B'ha'alotcha: June 13, 2020, June 13, 2020 - Part 2, June 9, 2023, June 10, 2023, June 21, 2024
- Parshat Sh'lach: June 20, 2020, June 20, 2020 - Part 2, June 5, 2021, June 28, 2024
- Parshat Korah: June 27, 2020, July 18, 2020, July 24, 2023, July 5, 2024
- Parshot Chukat-Balak: June 26, 2021, July 12, 2024, July 19, 2024
- Parshat Pinchas: July 11, 2020, July 11, 2020 - Part 2, July 2, 2021, July 3, 2021, July 22, 2022, July 23, 2022, July 26, 2024
- Parshot Matot-Masei: July 18, 2020, July 18, 2020 - Part 2, July 10, 2021, July 30, 2022, August 2, 2024
D'varim-Deuteronomy
- Parshat D'varim: July 25, 2020, July 25, 2020 - Part 2, July 17, 2021, August 6, 2022, August 9, 2024
- Parshat Va'et'hanan: Aug. 1, 2020, July 24, 2021, August 12, 2022, August 13, 2022, Aug. 16, 2024
- Parshat Eikev: Aug. 8, 2020, July 31, 2021, August 19, 2022, August 20, 2022
- Parshat Re'eh: August 7, 2021, August 30, 2024
- Parshat Shoftim: September 7, 2019, Aug. 22, 2020, August 14, 2021, August 14, 2021 - Part 2, September 3, 2022, September 6, 2024
- Parshat Ki Teitzei: Aug. 29, 2020, August 20, 2021, September 13, 2024
- Parshat Ki Tavo: Sept. 5, 2020, Sept. 5, 2020 - Part 2, August 28, 2021, Sept. 17, 2022, Sept. 20, 2024
- Parshot Nitzavim-Vayeilech: Sept. 11, 2021, September 24, 2022, Sept. 27,2024
- Parshat Ha'Azinu: Sept. 26, 2020, October 4, 2024
- Parshat Haberakhah
Rosh HaShanah: Sept. 19, 2020, Sept. 19, 2020 - Part 2, Sept. 19, 2020 - Part 3, Sept. 20, 2020, Sept. 7, 2021, Sept. 8, 2021, Sept. 9, 2021, Sept. 26, 2022, Oct 2, 2024
Yom Kippur: Sept. 28, 2020, Sept. 16, 2021, October 5, 2022
Sukkot: Oct. 3, 2020 , Sept. 20, 2021, Oct. 16,2024, Oct. 18, 2024
Passover: April 3, 2021, April 23, 2022, April 7, 2023, April 12, 2023 April 27, 2024
Rosh Hodesh: April 22, 2023
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