Sukkot 5782 - A time to embrace, a time to refrain from embracing
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September 20, 5782
At the beginning of the pandemic, we thought a lot about touch. We watched viral YouTube videos about how to best disinfect our groceries, in case they had been touched by a store employee or another customer. As places began to open up, hotels and restaurants boasted advertisements by various bleach companies. Gradually, as viral spread on surfaces was seen as less of a threat, we began to focus on interpersonal touch. We began to ask before shaking hands, high fiving, or hugging. While I am glad our national obsession with bleach has waned, I sincerely hope that that request before touch stays in our etiquette.
As Ecclesiastes teaches, Eit lahabok v’eit lirhok mehabek - there is a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing. In today’s pandemic culture, we show our respect for the other’s personal boundaries with regards to health by asking for consent before any interpersonal touch. Beyond this pandemic, we have the chance to communicate our respect in any relationship by asking for permission before we put a hand on a shoulder or give a kiss on the cheek.
Touch means something different to each person who offers or receives it. Each of our past experiences shape the way we think about touch. Some of us come from cultures in which a kiss is a universal greeting, and some of us come from backgrounds in which a simple stroke of a face could act as a warning. We all know stories of politicians, CEOs, and other individuals in which too-long hugs, brushes of a hand, or worse were either used or seen as shows of power. Instead of using touch as power, we can use a presence or absence of touch as a show of respect. We can ask that simple question, “May I hug you?” Or, “Would you feel comfortable if I shook your hand?” And we can show our respect by acknowledging that the answer might be, “No.”
We come from a religious tradition in which even the most patriarchal Talmudic model of marriage, in which the man acquires a woman through purchase - requires that woman’s consent (Kiddushin 2b). Without her approval, the Talmud teaches, the man may not begin a physical relationship with her. Many Jews even extend this idea of consent for touch by observing the practice of shomer negiah, avoiding any touch with a person of another gender, unless that person is a spouse or immediate relative. While such a practice may seem too extreme, or even disrespectful, to many Jews today, our tradition contains those roots of touch as sacred, as something to be reserved for moments of mutual consent.
By modeling that practice of asking before a fist pump or high five, we show our children a culture of respect for each other’s boundaries. We teach them that “No,” is sometimes the right answer, whether they are asking or answering. For when they grow older, we teach them to pause and ask before diving into intimacy. And we teach them to think about their own boundaries, about where and when they feel comfortable being touched. Ultimately, we strive for them to really learn, spiritually and practically, that their bodies are sacred, made in the image of God. This weekend, Cadence will teach us more about that lesson, with her passion for the work done by the Gingerbread House Children’s Advocacy Center.
Touching back on viral YouTube videos, I have enjoyed the trend of videos featuring classroom teachers who line their students up outside the classroom and greet them personally at the beginning of each day. In each of these videos, the teacher has a menu of greetings from which the students can choose - hug, high five, wave, handshake, or dance move, among others. Each day, each student has the opportunity to express her boundaries, knowing that her preferences do not always have to be the same. And each day, each student can feel safe with the knowledge not only that her teacher respects her needs, but also, that she is not alone in having individual needs. She is not alone in this generation being taught about boundaries and consent.
With this new normal of pause before touch, may we join this new generation in embracing the possibility of respect through lack of embrace. May we be choosy about to whom we allow access to our bodies, and may we acknowledge others’ choices, as well. With such discretion, may we enjoy the awe and comfort that comes when we embrace those whom we trust and cherish. Hag Sameah.
Tue, October 8 2024
6 Tishrei 5785
Rabbi's Sermons
Bereshit - Genesis
- Parshat Bereshit: Oct. 26, 2019, October 1, 2021, October 2, 2021
- Parshat Noah: Nov. 2, 2019, October 8, 2021, Oct. 29, 2022
- Parshat Lekh-L'kha: Nov. 9, 2019, Oct. 31, 2020, Oct. 31, 2020 - Part 2, Oct. 15, 2021
- Parshat Vayeira: Nov. 16, 2019, Nov. 7, 2020, Nov. 7, 2020 - Part 2, Oct. 22, 2021, Oct. 23, 2021
- Parshat Hayei Sara: Nov. 14, 2020, Oct. 30, 2021
- Parshat Toldot: Nov. 30, 2019, Nov. 21, 2020, Nov. 6, 2021
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Shemot-Exodus
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- Parshat B'shalah: Jan. 30, 2021, Jan. 15, 2022, Feb. 3, 2023, Feb.4, 2023
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- Parshat Mishpatim: Feb. 22, 2020, Feb. 18, 2023
- Parshat T'rumah: Feb. 29, 2020, Feb. 29, 2020 - Part 2, Feb. 20, 2021, Feb. 4, 2022, Feb. 5, 2022, Feb. 25, 2023
- Parshat T'tzaveh: March 7, 2020, Feb. 27, 2021, Feb. 12, 2022, Feb. 11, 2022
- Parshat Ki Tisa: March 14, 2020, March 6, 2021, February 19, 2022
- Parshot Vayak'heil-P'kudei: March 21, 2020, March 13, 2021, February 26, 2022, March 18, 2023
Vayikra-Leviticus
- Parshat Vayikra: March 20, 2021, March 11, 2022, March 24, 2023, March 25, 2023
- Parshat Tzav: April 4, 2020, March 27, 2021, March 19, 2022
- Parshat Sh'mini: April 18, 2020
- Parshot Tazria-Metzora: April 25, 2020, April 17, 2021, April 2, 2022, April 20, 2024
- Parshot Achrei Mot-Kedoshim: May 2, 2020, April 24, 2021, May 7, 2022, May 3, 2024, May 10, 2024
- Emor: May 9, 2020, May 1, 2021, May 13, 2022, May 14, 2022, May 6, 2023
- Parshot B'har-B'hukotai: May 8, 2019, May 16, 2020, May 7, 2021, May 21, 2022, May 28, 2022, May 24, 2024, May 31, 2024
Bamidbar-Numbers
- Parshat Bamidbar: May 15, 2021, May 20, 2023, June 7, 2024
- Parshat Nasso: June 6, 2020, June 6, 2020 - Part 2, May 22, 2021, June 10, 2022, June 2, 2023, June 14, 2024
- Parshat B'ha'alotcha: June 13, 2020, June 13, 2020 - Part 2, June 9, 2023, June 10, 2023, June 21, 2024
- Parshat Sh'lach: June 20, 2020, June 20, 2020 - Part 2, June 5, 2021, June 28, 2024
- Parshat Korah: June 27, 2020, July 18, 2020, July 24, 2023, July 5, 2024
- Parshot Chukat-Balak: June 26, 2021, July 12, 2024, July 19, 2024
- Parshat Pinchas: July 11, 2020, July 11, 2020 - Part 2, July 2, 2021, July 3, 2021, July 22, 2022, July 23, 2022, July 26, 2024
- Parshot Matot-Masei: July 18, 2020, July 18, 2020 - Part 2, July 10, 2021, July 30, 2022, August 2, 2024
D'varim-Deuteronomy
- Parshat D'varim: July 25, 2020, July 25, 2020 - Part 2, July 17, 2021, August 6, 2022, August 9, 2024
- Parshat Va'et'hanan: Aug. 1, 2020, July 24, 2021, August 12, 2022, August 13, 2022, Aug. 16, 2024
- Parshat Eikev: Aug. 8, 2020, July 31, 2021, August 19, 2022, August 20, 2022
- Parshat Re'eh: August 7, 2021, August 30, 2024
- Parshat Shoftim: September 7, 2019, Aug. 22, 2020, August 14, 2021, August 14, 2021 - Part 2, September 3, 2022, September 6, 2024
- Parshat Ki Teitzei: Aug. 29, 2020, August 20, 2021, September 13, 2024
- Parshat Ki Tavo: Sept. 5, 2020, Sept. 5, 2020 - Part 2, August 28, 2021, Sept. 17, 2022, Sept. 20, 2024
- Parshot Nitzavim-Vayeilech: Sept. 11, 2021, September 24, 2022, Sept. 27,2024
- Parshat Ha'Azinu: Sept. 26, 2020, October 4, 2024
- Parshat Haberakhah
Rosh HaShanah: Sept. 19, 2020, Sept. 19, 2020 - Part 2, Sept. 19, 2020 - Part 3, Sept. 20, 2020, Sept. 7, 2021, Sept. 8, 2021, Sept. 9, 2021, Sept. 26, 2022
Yom Kippur: Sept. 28, 2020, Sept. 16, 2021, October 5, 2022
Sukkot: Oct. 3, 2020 , Sept. 20, 2021
Passover: April 3, 2021, April 23, 2022, April 7, 2023, April 12, 2023 April 27, 2024
Rosh Hodesh: April 22, 2023
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